Update on something I've mentioned in the past

a few months ago I posted a little something about how I wanted to work on my spirituality and my relationship with God. This is an update to that. If you're not interested then now would be the time to leave and most likely the next time I post will be back to the same old same old.

So last week was the start of this year's Sunday school for the kiddos. I took them to church just for that last week because they were really excited about going. This week I braved going to the service as well. And I'm really glad I did.

Have you ever had the experience of sitting in church and suddenly, something that was said hits you and you start crying? Yeah, that was me today. Now I wasn't full out bawling, that happened later in the story.

The homily today was about how we should all make time to go find the one sheep of our 100-strong flock that has strayed. That we should turn the house upside down to find the one coin of 10 that we have lost. This is me. I'm the one that keeps straying, but I also keep finding myself returning. It just really hit close to home and it brought tears to my eyes.

Then, I learned that there was going to be an adult class while the kiddos were in their classes. I sucked it up and went when I would normally find a quiet spot and read a book. The class is on discovery, where you are on your journey, in your relationship with God. Not to mention it's also a series on the Episcopal church. We were asked at the end of class if we would like to share our journeys so far, where we've come from, where we are, and where we'd like to go. I clammed up at this point, my courage failing me, but at the same time this question really made me think of how I'd answer. (Listening to some other answers is where I started bawling)

This is what I've come up with for next week.

I am a cradle Episcopalian, grew up going to church, sunday school, even spending time as an acolyte. About a year after mom passed away my faith started slipping. I didn't feel like I had a connection anymore. To tie into this I've only recently (in the past 10 years) come to terms with my inner perfectionism. If I wasn't perfect, then I wasn't worthy. Missing church made me feel that I was wrong and wouldn't be acceptable anymore.

In high school and college I attempted to return to church and went to several different churches to find my place. For many years I went homeless in this respect, partly because I feared once again that I wouldn't be acceptable. It wasn't until I had children that I returned to the Episcopal church, even then still having my doubts of fitting in and being accepted.

It was "wrong" that my husband didn't come with me. It was "wrong" that I didn't have my children baptised when they were but weeks or months old. It was "wrong" that I couldn't come to church in my sunday best because I didn't have any nice clothes. There were times I felt looked down upon and once again I stopped going to church on Sunday. Though I did secretly hope that someone from the church would call and ask how things were going, how I was doing. That call never came. I must not have been acceptable.

Last fall I once again struck up the courage to return, this time for my kids. I wanted to give them a sense of what the holidays are about, who Jesus is, a foundation on which to build their own faith. We attended for a few weeks, then once again left, but this time it felt a little different. I felt like I hadn't been attending for the right reasons.

Now I'm here again, very thankful for this class and the opportunity to really sit and think about where I am and where I'm going. I've come to realize in the past few months that I can no longer be ruled by perfection. Persistence is the key. Perfection is self abuse (yes I've posted that in my blog before and probably will again), but persistence will help me along the way.

In my mind, God doesn't care that I haven't been to church on a regular basis, He's just happy when I can come and join in fellowship. He doesn't mind that C stays home, C doesn't worship, pray, etc. the same way I do. And God certainly doesn't care in the slightest what I'm wearing when I do attend church. If one gentleman from the congregation I grew up in came to church straight from the fields in his overalls and work boots, then by golly, I can certainly show up in a pair of jeans or shorts and a t-shirt.

I know that I'm not going to find God in the church building. Well, I can and do, but that's not the only place. I can worship Him in the forest, on a mountain top, in a church, in my home, in my car during traffic. Church is for the fellowship of others who will challenge your beliefs, make you question your faith so you learn more about yourself and your relationship with God, and to have a place where you're welcomed no matter what your skin color, age, marital status, or even orientation. It's a place to grow and learn.

So, that's where I've been, that's where I'm at and that's where I'm going. I hope I haven't bored y'all to tears.